im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
