If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
