Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
