I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
