the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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