My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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