I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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