i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize