drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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