I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Randomize
