He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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