Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
