party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
