The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
