Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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