Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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