My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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