His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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