I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
