Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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