Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
