You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
