Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
