ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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