Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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