Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
