I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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