Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
