This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
