Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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