Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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