We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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