Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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