So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
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I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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