the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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