cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
