Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
