my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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