He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
