Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
