I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
