Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
