Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
