ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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