What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
