I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize