can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me + whiskey = a bad person
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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