And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
