The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
