this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
