i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
