i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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