This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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