Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
