Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
