My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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